I found out today I did not get the awesome job I interviewed for last week.

I’m bummed. I was so bummed most of the day, I lost all enthusiasm for anything…food, people, games, writing, reading. I just didn’t care about anything and still feel a little foggy about enjoying life right now.

Ambivalence is a dangerous thing. It’s a red flag of anger, fear and victimhood. So I don’t hang out long there. My spirit won’t let me anyway..after a while I just can no longer believe all the stupid things my mind is hung  up on. (I’m a failure, I can’t do anything right, no one will want to hire me. ) I live life too fiercely, too honestly and too authentically to be able to find anything remotely looking like failure in my life.

So, I look for the proverbial bootstraps. They start out as little things to boost my mood. Do my nails. Go to the farmer’s market Buy flowers. Pretty soon, I notice all that is beautiful in my life and find a way to put disappoinment in perspective.

The amazing job I’m going to love is on it’s way. If I’m calm and centered, I know this. And in this moment, life is beautiful and amazing and full of grace.  My task is to appreciate this moment, and know that moments to come will be just as beautiful and perfect….if I have to eyes to see it.

Gratitude builds personal power. A wise woman told me this recently and she’s absolutely right. Gratitude enlarges my heart and reminds me of who I am and what I can be. I’m keeping my eyes and heart open with gratitude, and it dissipates the ambivalence like the morning sun burning off the fog.